Who’s The Boss? Diana Baumrind and The Dilemma of Parental Power

Good Parents Make Good Children; Good Parenting Skills Make Children Better

Dr. Diana Baumrind

Instead of making bad dad jokes, when Diana Blumberg Baumrind’s friends met her father for the first time, he introduced himself as a “closet Communist.” In the 1950s, it mean prisont or deportation. Diana did not find it very funny.

That’s the backdrop against which the peculiar journey of one of our most important child psychologists unfolds. Born to Hyman and Mollie Blumberg, modest, lower-middle-class parents nestled in one of New York’s lively Jewish enclaves, their clandestine political leanings didn’t just set them apart from others; they gifted Diana an independent frame of mind that would shape her life’s work.

Her father, an unwavering atheist with a curious blend of Jewish cultural traditions, became an intellectual soulmate. Their spirited discussions ignited Diana’s passion for critical thinking. In the Blumberg home, nothing was taken for granted; every opinion was a debate. But the tutorial gem was her uncle, Isadore. Under his guidance, Diana delved deep into the labyrinth of dialectical materialism, a mind-bending radical philosophy that left an indelible mark.

Theoretically, Dialectical Materialism was a gift of Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels. They saw history driven by class conflict and a ‘have and have not’ worldview, requiring revolution to set the world back on its axis. It called for abolishing private property and wealth redistribution (ironically, Marx relied on Engel’s wealth and even played the stock market). But Diana emerged from this intellectual forge with a new mission: “to empower the disenfranchised and underrepresented.” Ironically, while her politics mellowed, her desire to help the most vulnerable elements of society only intensified.

Diana’s journey took a fascinating twist into child psychology, particularly the impact of parenting style. Every parent, it seemed, was convinced their way was the best. Some would say, “I was raised that way, and it didn’t kill me.” Diana, with her unyielding commitment to children’s happiness, believed that not killing children set the bar a tad too low.

In the tumultuous 1960s, Diana embarked on groundbreaking research that would forever change how we understand parenting. She unveiled four distinct styles that delved deep into the consequences on children’s lives. Diana Blumberg Baumrind was about to show the world that parenting wasn’t a one-size-fits-all affair:

(do not take the political affiliations seriously, please)

1) Authoritarian Parenting:

• “Children should be seen and not heard.”
• “My way or the highway.”
• “Feelings are for sissies.”
• Authoritarian parents enjoy saying, “Why? Because I said so.” They are the ‘extreme right wing” of parenting: prioritize obedience, lay down rules, and enforce consequences. No explanation necessary. Their focus is on maintaining authority, even resorting to harsh punishment. Think of them as despots, and children as obedient rule-followers. But it comes at the cost of self-esteem. Those children often grow up to exhibit signs of hostility or aggression to anything but brute authority. Consequently, they resort to dishonesty (which manifests itself as self delusion) to evade punishment or to disrespect because nobody has the power their parents had.

2) Authoritative Parenting:

• “Truth or consequences.”
• “What is your child is thinking.”
• “Explain the rules.”
• Authoritative parents say, “Here’s why you are going to have do this.” Think of this group as ‘moderate conservatives’ who believe in the chain of command but do not believe in chains. Authoritative parents are enlightened; they strike a balance between rules and empathy, and believe in the gameshow mantra, Truth or Consequences. They establish clear rules while validating children’s emotions. But they never question that the adult is the guiding authority. Studies have consistently shown that children raised by authoritative parents are more likely to become responsible and well-adjusted adults. This parenting style has garnered significant support in research as the most effective approach.

It is when parents believe anything with the word ‘authority’ is bad that they veer into less promising styles of parental behavior:

3) Permissive Parenting:

• “Rules are meant to be broken.”
• “When rules are broken, there are no consequences.”
• “The child will figure it out.”
• When children misbehave, parents who say, “Kids will be kids,” are more like friends than authority figures. Permissive parents are the uber liberals who encourage open communication, but typically do not invest much effort in discouraging poor choices or correcting bad behavior. Children struggle academically, experience low self-esteem, and potentially suffer from undiagnosed depression. They may also act out publicly to win acclaim for extreme behavior. Think of Antifa protesters in balaclavas. They are seeking guidance and control from their peers, not their elders. Additionally, due to overpermissiveness, children brought up in a permissive household face a higher risk of obesity, poor exercise, and healthy sleep habits, and even more dental cavities.

But when there is no interest in effective upbringing, we find the worst form of parenting style:

4) Neglectful Parenting

• “You do not know where your child is or who they are with.”
• “You aren’t able to spend much time with your child.”
• “You don’t ask your child about school or homework.”
• Neglectful parents don’t believe in rules. They are the AWOL parents who rarely offer much emotional and practical support as they are too busy with their own problems. “I don’t have time, my children will figure it out,” as they leave for Thanksgiving without the child’s bottle but remembered their wine coolers.
• In fact, there are understandable reasons for neglectful parenting such as personal struggles or work-related stress or financial difficulties. In such cases, children raised by these parents often grapple with self-esteem, academic underachievement, behavioral problems, and a reduced sense of happiness.

In conclusion, Diana Blumberg Baumrind’s groundbreaking research in the 1960s on the parenting styles had a profound effect on parenting. She emphasized that not one style works for all, and at times a blend made sense too. But providing appropriate authoritative guidance in a nurturing and supportive environment was the best way to raise successful small people.