Delta flight 0496 to Phoenix from New York’s JFK airport
Good morning passengers. We have an announcement to make of some importance, so please pay attention.
There is a customer on board today with severe peanut allergies. Therefore we will be forced to discontinue our snack service and we ask you to dispose of any peanut related items and place them in the overhead bin. Thank you.
To the passenger in row 10 seat b, the passenger with the peanut allergy has informed us that your sesame bagel may also induce a similar reaction, and so we ask you to remove the bagel from your tray table and carefully place it in the special vacuum container provided at no charge by your flight attendant. This way we can be sure no airborne sesame particles will be released. When you are through, please place the container in your overhead bin. We will also offer to replace your sesame bagel with a slightly stale cinnamon bagel with raisins and brown sugar to go with your smoked salmon breakfast entree.
Good morning passengers. We regret to inform you that we have a passenger on board today with a severe perfume allergy. We ask all passengers to refrain from wearing perfume or cologne. As a courtesy, would you place any garments that carry the scent of your cologne in the overhead bin. This instruction, however, does not apply to undergarments.
Good morning passengers. It has come to our attention that some of you are still wearing perfume, and if this does not cease you will be asked to hand wash the offensive odor causing garments in the bathroom lav, which for your convenience are located near the exit rows of the airplane.
Good morning passengers. We have been informed that one of our passengers has a serious allergy to animal skin products such as alpaca coats and wool sweaters. Please remove any such items you may have carried onboard and place in the overhead bin.
Also, we are sorry to inform you, all service animals must be placed in the overhead bin, as technically speaking, they are considered to be wearing animal skin products. We trust they will find the space roomy and comfortable on our new wide body B757–200S airplane.
Good morning passengers. We have been just informed that one of our passengers is highly allergic to bird feathers, and so any pillows or down jackets you may be using should be placed in the overhead bin.
Good morning passengers. We regret to inform you that our previous instruction regarding bird feathers being placed in the overhead bin should not be applied in the case of a service animal already in the bin.
One of our service animals was formerly trained as a bird hunter. The smell of feathers brings back memories which can induce PTSD in this animal. So before placing your feathered comforters or down jackets in the overhead bin please make sure there are no service animals there. For the animal’s privacy, we are not allowed to inform you which animal in particular has this illness.
Good morning again passengers. We are delighted to tell you that our movie for today’s inflight entertainment will be Jack Reacher: Never Go Back. You may pay for your movie with your frequent flyer miles if you wish. Your flight attendant will be around to hand out headphones for your listening pleasure.
We regret to inform you that today, however, we must discontinue our movie feature as one of our passengers suffers panic attacks when seated next to any products containing Tom Cruise.
Good morning passengers. It has been brought to our attention that your pilot experiences severe allergic reaction to passengers speaking with German accents due to a serious addiction to WWII movies. Therefore please refrain from speaking with a German accent or, if you find it absolutely necessary to speak, do your best to impersonate a non German. We thank you for your cooperation, or as we say on Delta, danke schön.
Good morning passengers. We are delighted you have chosen us for your flight this morning and we want you to know we are here to serve your every need. Should you desire anything prior to landing, feel free to press the call button. However, we regret to inform you, one of our flight attendants is sensitive to loud, sharp sounds so the call button has been disabled.
Please enjoy the remainder of the flight.