Families Are Planets — Some Are Warm; Others Are Distant

Like celestial bodies, we have to continually reshape our orbit to be in sync with the forces of our family environment.

Imagine that you’re standing on Mercury’s barren, rocky surface. From that vantage point, the Sun looks three times larger than it does on the other planets due to Mercury’s eccentric orbit. Every 88 days of the year it circles closer to the Sun, and temperatures soar to about 800°F, hot enough to bake a pizza. Then as it moves away for another Mercury year, temperatures plummet to -356°F — a coldness rarely experienced in nature, but occasionally in that tableau of human nature, the family.

Think about the annual family holiday gathering. Some members find it oppressive, looming large and threatening, just like the Sun looks from Mercury’s vantage point. They cringe at the prospect of a long weekend listening to stories about nursery school and the new dog that a sister-in-law brought, jumping on furniture and dragging mud onto their clothing. That’s just how Mercury feels, resisting the Sun’s gravitational pull — can’t wait to return to its own orbit — while others bask in the warmth of its rays.

Your Family Orbit

The constant expansion and contraction create visible signs of stress on Mercury’s surface. That’s why as we gaze through a telescope, we see large cliffs and craters — much like the frown lines on the face of someone stressed out by being with family.

We all know people like Mercury — maybe you even fit the description. The moment they walk through the door, you sense it: the awkward distance, the half-hearted hug that feels like you’re wearing a hazmat suit, the careful avoidance of anything too close, the furtive glance at the watch, wondering how soon they can leave. At family gatherings, they linger at the edges, glued to their phone or locked in conversation with the nearest newcomer — anything to escape the gravitational pull of deeper interaction with an in-law.”

That is, until the father-in-law lobs a meteor shower of questions, forcing them to reluctantly break orbit and join the mix.

Understanding the planetary psychology of family dynamics — who stays in close orbit, who drifts to the outer rings — can help us navigate the shifting temperatures of our personal connections.

Orbital Gravity

Families, like planetary systems, are held together by invisible gravitational forces — a delicate balance of nurture and correction, laughter and tears, reminiscence and anticipation. This ever-shifting orbit is shaped by the sacred family rituals that bring us together: Sunday roasts at Grandma’s, summer gatherings at the Cape, seashell hunts for the kids, and golf rounds for the parents. Even the failed fishing trip, recounted over evening cocktails, becomes part of the shared mythology. If this is to continue, it is important not only that we maintain these customs but that everyone joins in the spirit.

Yet, one person’s erratic behavior becomes another family’s normal. A single snarky remark or misplaced rebuke can send the whole constellation wobbling if the family isn’t the ‘tell it like it is’ type. The key is to remember: these gatherings aren’t the time to unleash our ‘dark side’ or demand to be our ‘truest self.’ They are a brief moment in time — a temporary alignment — where we adjust our orbit, find our place in the family system, and, soon enough, drift back to the rhythm of our own worlds.

Stress-Laws

Take Sarah, for example, who made the difficult decision not to include her sister, Emily, in her wedding party. The choice wasn’t about Emily herself but about the widening rift caused by Emily’s husband. His relentless demands had created an unspoken war between the families. He resented Emily’s privileged upbringing, yet he enjoyed the lifestyle it provided. He relished being part of their family, but they were never part of his — something he made abundantly clear. “That’s how we do things in our family,” he’d say often. But this wasn’t his family, was it?

Then there’s Lisa, whose relationship with her in-laws eroded over years of quiet clashes. She found their expectations suffocating, their ‘ridiculously high standards’ exhausting. She refused to adjust, insisting on her routines — her preferred movies, feet on the furniture, even demanding to take time for a yoga session just as the family was heading out for breakfast. “This is how I live,” she declared, unwilling to compromise.

Her in-laws, meanwhile, found her behavior increasingly intolerable. Every visit became an exercise in endurance, particularly at dinners, where Lisa turned every meal into a culinary discussion with the waitstaff about preparation techniques. Their orbits were unaligned and the temperature had dropped to subzero. The tension eventually reached a breaking point when Lisa issued her husband an ultimatum: choose between his parents or his family.

What Lisa failed to recognize was that her resistance wasn’t about personal autonomy — it was a rebellion against authority, no different than a toddler refusing to go to bed. When asked, “If you were invited to Buckingham Palace, would you stomp your feet at the gates and declare, ‘Sorry, King Charles, but I have to do my yoga’?” she hesitated. And that was precisely the point.

In today’s politically charged world, differing beliefs can also push family members into their separate orbits. Paul is a liberal; Joel is a conservative. They are brothers-in-law who get along in almost every area but this. Every time they try to have a reasonable conversation, it ends up in a shouting match or with one of them shutting down. Their family gatherings leave everyone anxious about how things will go.

Danger Zones

Navigating relationships can feel like piloting a spacecraft through a meteor shower, but you don’t need John Glenn’s skill to stick the landing. A little awareness of the gravitational forces at play — the pull of traditions (even the ones that test your patience), the restraint needed for personality clashes (especially when your brother-in-law launches into another golf story), and the occasional asteroid of unsolicited advice from a well-meaning but overbearing mother-in-law — are exactly those times you need to keep your orbit collision-free.

The reality is that some relatives radiate warmth, drawing you in effortlessly. Others burn too hot, making prolonged visits feel like a solar flare. Some you see every chance you get; others, once a year feels like plenty. But not every difficult relationship has to end in a clash. Sometimes, a little orbital restraint — knowing when to glide, when to adjust, and when to slide — can lead to better dynamics and happier families.

The joystick is in your hands, and that might be the key to solving your family dynamic problem. You are in control. When you enter another’s gravitational field — whether it’s your in-laws, distant relatives, or old friends — remember: this is their solar system. Your job isn’t to realign the planets; it’s to enjoy the ride, watch the comet tails, and take in the view.

Planets have coexisted in perfect orbit for 4.6 billion years. They started as nothing more than gas and dust, yet by syncing their movements, they created a harmonious solar system. Maybe there’s a lesson in that.

Recognizing that you’re on alien turf allows you to set aside personal preferences, observe rather than impose, and adapt without resistance. The atmosphere may be unfamiliar, the temperature a little off — but that’s okay. You’re just passing through.